Till Debt Do Us Part

I thought that the Till debt do us part chapter 2 was my favorite this week because it talked about the placing of children and how it effects others. I thought that was really interesting because it seems so correct. When I was reading about the middle child all I could think was this sounds exactly like me. This is something that I  thought I was feeling alone and had o idea that it was because I was a middle child.

 I was also thinking about the in-laws and when I was younger I would pray that my in-laws would love me and that I would finally be part of a family that loves me. This was something that I would tell myself when my family left and cast me out of their home for being true to the Gospel. I would say that one day I will have a family that will love me and I could not have been more blessed with a wonder family of in-laws then I am now. They are nice and kind, they are not pushy or invading and they let us make our own decisions without making us feel like major failures.

Counseling with our Counselors

This week we were told to told a family meeting and report back. This is something that my family and I already do, however we dont start with a prayer and I feel like that makes all the difference. The prayer brought us closer togeher and helped keep the Spiro in the room as we discussed things that were hard for us to talk about. We definitely grew from discussing things the way the Lord's prophet and apostles do. I know that the Lord blesses us and that He loves us and has laid out the best way to have disucussions without content.

Date Nights

Before I read Gottmans book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work my husband and I would watch movies together after our children went to bed and call it our date night. I know that this was a good thing and that it kept our love strong but ever since we read his book we have changed our way of dating. Instead of just watching a movie we started doing those get to know you better quiz to help build our love map and now we talk so much more than we used to. I feel so much closer to my husband since I started reading this book and developing the practices in our everyday life. I know that the way that I talk and even look at my spouse has changed and I can tell that it has made a difference to him as well. When my husband and I first got married he didn’t really like to talk all that much but not talking to me instead of playing his video games is his favorite thing and I personally cant get enough of it. This is something that I have needed since the beginning my husband would always be like we have been spending time together all day and I would say yes but I need quality time where we just talk and this was something that he just couldn’t seem to understand until it became a vital part of our relationship as well.

The Power of Gird Locking

Grid locking is when you are in a relationship and your dreams are not fulfilled or your hopes are not met or recognizes it can lock up your relationship and ultimately stop it in its tracks. This is something I have been working really hard in my marriage not to happen. When my husband and I were dating he would play soccer all the time and even told me that someday he wanted to be a professional soccer player then we got married and he no longer wanted to play soccer or thought that dream was an acceptable husband or father because it did provide us with a sure income. I am not one that needs lots of material things and I would tell my husband that if he really wanted to be a soccer player that I would support him 100%. He did not listen and instead embarked in a career that he hates because he makes tons of money. Every now and then I ask him if he wants to play soccer or i see about getting him to play in a league and he would always say no. The other day however he came and told me that he hated his job and that he would rather do something he loves then something he hates for tons of money. I was so proud of him because I had been trying to tell him that as long as we had enough money to get by I was good with anything he wanted to do. Now that he has realized that not having tons and tons of money is OK he is going after his dreams and the whole family is a lot happier because dad is a lot happier.

Seeking to Understand

I thought that this chapter in Gottmans book was pure genius like always and I took what he said to heart and instead of getting mad at the little annoyances like I usually I took a step back thought to myself why is he doing this and then I would realize that he is not doing it to hurt me but he just doesn’t know that it is super annoying so instead of getting angry I tried to think that I was funny instead and almost 100% of the time it worked, almost. I remembered what I read about seeking to understand my partner so instead of getting mad I started to laugh and his thoughtlessness and innocence instead of getting mad and escalating the situation. Since I have been doing this exercise and trying to figure out why my husband does the things that he does our relationship has become less stressful and has blossomed in something that almost looks like friendship which is something that I thought was lost for good.

This book has literally saved me and my marriage my husband is so bad at communicating because he usually doesn’t even know what emotion he is feeling himself so there is no way for him to try to tell me what is wrong in our marriage. This book has opened my eyes to all the things that I have been doing wrong and has showed me how to improve our relationship. Since I have been using this book and changing the way I talk and treat my husband our relationship has blossomed and it has become something stronger then it was even when we were first dating and everything was new and wonderful about each other.

I think my favorite part in his book this week was where he said treat your spouse as a guest in your house you wouldn’t say all these really mean things to a guest. Be nice to your spouse and your marriage will grow. I thought this was interesting because it is so darn simple, it is one of those things that you think people would already know but some couples that are having problems have to be told that and I think I was definitely one of those people I am sorry to say. The important thing is that now that I know what I am supposed to be doing I can change and build up our relationship.

Beware of Pride

As I was reading in the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work it was all about turning toward your partner and not letting pride get in the way of loving your family. I love this quote by Thomas S. Monson that says:

“Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved.”

I think that pride is something that my marriage has a lot of. I feel like we are currently in a marriage struggle and that I don’t have any room to make my own decisions and that sometimes my husband is too prideful to see that I am hurting and then when he does I am too prideful to forgive him. Ignore spouse, or give spouse the "cold shoulder”, Impatient with impatience Caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong, Blaming, defensiveness, Attack, counterattack, Refusal to apologize first, Holding the other hostage by refusing to forgive, Stubbornness or unwillingness to change, Selfishness, thinking only of your needs, and Unwillingness to learn from spouse. I was surprised at how much pride played are part in our relationship. Once I realized how destructive we were being to each other I saw the things that we need to change to be better to each other and help our relationship grow instead of self-destruct. Last night I felt like my husband was not listening to me and I got really angry really fast and in my head I thought I am not going to talk to him until he apologizes and then I remembered this lesson and thought about my part in our misunderstanding and instead of turning away from him I turned towards and apologized for getting angry so fast.

Turning Toward One Another

This is something that should be easy and that everyone should already know about and be doing but for someone reason I stopped doing it along the way. I started thinking that if my husband wasnt going to show his love for me then why should I but let me tell you something every since I started reading the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work not only has my marriage transformed but so have I. I realized that I was part of the problem and just because my husband wouldnt tell me what I was doing to hurt him so that I could change it I could learn how to change myself trough this book and in turn change our marriage. I started turning towards him and instead of thinking what the heck I thought I wonder why he chose to do that and so I would ask him and though sometimes I still thought my idea was better I at least saw the logic in his thinking and because I would turn toward him instead of just out rage he started to feel safe with me and he began to talk to be and help us build our relationship back up.

The Seven Principle for Making Marriage Work

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Activities

This activity has been very beneficial for me my husband is not good at showing emotion or talking about his feelings and I could tell that I was doing something that was hurting him I just couldn’t get him to tell me what it was so that I could change it. However, now since I have been reading this book I realized that it was my approach in how I talk to him and that I wasn’t making him feel safe so he wouldn’t tell me what I needed to change. Once I found out that I was doing it I was able to change my approach and now he is able to tell me things that are troubling him.

I really liked learning more about my husband as we played those games in the book. There were some questions that I didn’t know the answer to but made me realize that I know more about him than I thought and that knows more about me than I thought as well. This activity really helped us come closer together as a couple and helped us to realize what we needed to do different in our lives to show our love for each other.

I also tried to ignore the things that he does that annoys me and at first it was really hard and sometimes I wasn’t not able to keep my voice inside but as the week went on it got easier and I no longer noticed them as much and I actually started to think that they were endearing. That was something that I never thought was possible because I always thought that if you didn’t like something about someone that you tell them and they change it because that is what I always do, however, it seems that they world doesn’t work the same way as I do and it was nice to learn a new way to handle things that annoy me. I also started replacing ever bad thought that I had about my spouse with a good one and if I was not able to think of a good one at the time I would just hum a song in my head so that I didn’t dwell on that fact.

The Four Horsemen

I learned from reading The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work (this is seriously my new favorite book) and through tracking myself that I am a terrible person. My husband doesn’t know how to show his emotions let alone tell me what I am doing that is hurting him and I have been trying to figure it out with no luck. However, when I read this book and started tracking myself I saw not only that I use always and never a lot but also that I criticize my husband not complain, I am defensive, and sometimes I even have contempt for him. The reason that our problems were not getting solved was because of the way I was talking to him. When I read these it was honestly a prayer that was answered from God because now I know what I am doing to hurt my husband and I can change it and hopefully if I do it right he will feel comfortable opening up to me about what I am doing that is hurting him. I never wanted to hurt him I just didn’t know what I was doing to hurt him and he couldn’t tell me which is why I am a terrible person. This was one of those lessons that are hard to learn where you so frustrated that your husband isn’t talking to you that you cant see that you’re the reason he isn’t talking to you.

The Four horsemen are

Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling they are detrimental to your marriage and if not changed will sadly end in divorce.

Genealogy Effects

My Genogram starts with my paternal grandparents Charles and Evelyn they were married and sealed in the temple and lived in love until they died. They had six children Charlotte, Karl, Dany, Phil, Kathy, and my father Mitchell. They were all married in the temple and all but two of them have been divorced and remarried. My father married my mom and then they were sealed in the temple after which they had five children including me. My dad and mom got divorced in 1996 and them my father remarried in 2002 to MaLinda who also had five kids, my mother has sadly never remarried.

            My maternal grandparents are Hiroko and David they were married when my grandfather was stationed in Japan they had three girls and have since then divorced and my grandfather has died. My mother has a twin that was married in the temple and they are still happily married and her little sister was married and has not remarried since then.

            I learned that usually if you have the right role models and have seen what it means not only to endure but also to love, forgive, have patience, and long suffering that it is what you strive for and something that isn’t out of reach because you have felt it, you have lived it. However, I also learned that just because you have parents who have stayed together forever doesn’t mean that every one of your children will stay together, they are still their own people and therefor will do whatever they want and continue to make their own choices and mistakes. My father had the perfect example of love and long suffering and he was still divorced from my mother through choices and consequences of his own volition. My mother on the other hand had the worst representation of love in her family and yet she was still the one that remained faithful and loving. My mother is a true example of a forgiving person and I can only hope to be at least half of the person that she is.

            One person can have an effect on many generations. In my Genogram it shows that my parents are divorced what it doesn’t show is what happened to come to the final decision to get a divorce. This, however, is shown generations later where my older brothers and sister who saw the extent of the horrible things my father did to my mother are not married and to be quite honest have turned to drugs and alcohol many different times. They are almost 30 years old and most of them have not had a steady relationship and those that have are not going to commit because they want to make sure they have an escape route just in case. My little sister who was only 5 when they got divorced craved love so much that she got married right out of high school to someone who is emotional abusive because she thinks that’s what love is.

Defining Marriage...

In today's world it is so hard to define marriage. No matter what you think it means you will be hurting someones feelings. There is no place for people to have their own opinion these days. In a world that is so transfixed on technology it is easy to see why people think that the world is a much less nice place than it was 50 years ago. I disagree however I think that people are the same they have always been and we are just seeing more of it because they are more accessible to us. So....here I speak about the most controversial topic in the world right now. I dont think that we should be taking away the free agency of others and I believe that we are supposed to love the sinner not the sin. However this why most people think that they shouldnt be able to get married.

I believe that marriage is between a man and a women.
I believe that is because...

1. men and women are inherently different. They have different personalities, different qualities, different ways that their minds work. Which is why they are meant to be together, they are two halves that make a whole.
2. To protect the children. A child needs to be raised by both man and women, to see how both man and women act.
3. it is confusing for children, children with two moms or two dads will become confused and ask hard questions about why they don't have a mom or a dad which could leave lasting consequences.

I propose we fight for love

Isn't it interesting how there are so many different self help books out there? They have books on every topic and every problem you could possible have even marriage problems.
I was watching a clip on marriage that said that peole you cohabitate before marriage tend to have Higher divorce rate than those that just get married. Now this didn't really make sense to me because it would make sense that if you have a trial period of living together before marriage that the marriage is more likely to suceed because you already know what you are getting yourself into. Howwver, it seems like that is not the case.
The woman in the clip said that those who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate because they look as marriage as something that isn't permanant. They look at it as a trial, something that they can easily get out of if they don't like their life or situation anymore. I think that is just the motto for our generation though. The generation before us was to fix something that is broken and ours is to get rid of it and buy a new one and we seem to apply this to every aspect of our lives.
So... This is what I propose. I propose we stay, fight, and fix it. I propose that instead of throughout out the old refurbishing it and makikng it into something better. I propose that when things get tough we take a step back and look at ourselves and see what we are doing wrong and then stay and fight for what we want.
I propose we fight for love.