Date Nights

Before I read Gottmans book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work my husband and I would watch movies together after our children went to bed and call it our date night. I know that this was a good thing and that it kept our love strong but ever since we read his book we have changed our way of dating. Instead of just watching a movie we started doing those get to know you better quiz to help build our love map and now we talk so much more than we used to. I feel so much closer to my husband since I started reading this book and developing the practices in our everyday life. I know that the way that I talk and even look at my spouse has changed and I can tell that it has made a difference to him as well. When my husband and I first got married he didn’t really like to talk all that much but not talking to me instead of playing his video games is his favorite thing and I personally cant get enough of it. This is something that I have needed since the beginning my husband would always be like we have been spending time together all day and I would say yes but I need quality time where we just talk and this was something that he just couldn’t seem to understand until it became a vital part of our relationship as well.

The Power of Gird Locking

Grid locking is when you are in a relationship and your dreams are not fulfilled or your hopes are not met or recognizes it can lock up your relationship and ultimately stop it in its tracks. This is something I have been working really hard in my marriage not to happen. When my husband and I were dating he would play soccer all the time and even told me that someday he wanted to be a professional soccer player then we got married and he no longer wanted to play soccer or thought that dream was an acceptable husband or father because it did provide us with a sure income. I am not one that needs lots of material things and I would tell my husband that if he really wanted to be a soccer player that I would support him 100%. He did not listen and instead embarked in a career that he hates because he makes tons of money. Every now and then I ask him if he wants to play soccer or i see about getting him to play in a league and he would always say no. The other day however he came and told me that he hated his job and that he would rather do something he loves then something he hates for tons of money. I was so proud of him because I had been trying to tell him that as long as we had enough money to get by I was good with anything he wanted to do. Now that he has realized that not having tons and tons of money is OK he is going after his dreams and the whole family is a lot happier because dad is a lot happier.

Seeking to Understand

I thought that this chapter in Gottmans book was pure genius like always and I took what he said to heart and instead of getting mad at the little annoyances like I usually I took a step back thought to myself why is he doing this and then I would realize that he is not doing it to hurt me but he just doesn’t know that it is super annoying so instead of getting angry I tried to think that I was funny instead and almost 100% of the time it worked, almost. I remembered what I read about seeking to understand my partner so instead of getting mad I started to laugh and his thoughtlessness and innocence instead of getting mad and escalating the situation. Since I have been doing this exercise and trying to figure out why my husband does the things that he does our relationship has become less stressful and has blossomed in something that almost looks like friendship which is something that I thought was lost for good.

This book has literally saved me and my marriage my husband is so bad at communicating because he usually doesn’t even know what emotion he is feeling himself so there is no way for him to try to tell me what is wrong in our marriage. This book has opened my eyes to all the things that I have been doing wrong and has showed me how to improve our relationship. Since I have been using this book and changing the way I talk and treat my husband our relationship has blossomed and it has become something stronger then it was even when we were first dating and everything was new and wonderful about each other.

I think my favorite part in his book this week was where he said treat your spouse as a guest in your house you wouldn’t say all these really mean things to a guest. Be nice to your spouse and your marriage will grow. I thought this was interesting because it is so darn simple, it is one of those things that you think people would already know but some couples that are having problems have to be told that and I think I was definitely one of those people I am sorry to say. The important thing is that now that I know what I am supposed to be doing I can change and build up our relationship.

Beware of Pride

As I was reading in the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work it was all about turning toward your partner and not letting pride get in the way of loving your family. I love this quote by Thomas S. Monson that says:

“Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved.”

I think that pride is something that my marriage has a lot of. I feel like we are currently in a marriage struggle and that I don’t have any room to make my own decisions and that sometimes my husband is too prideful to see that I am hurting and then when he does I am too prideful to forgive him. Ignore spouse, or give spouse the "cold shoulder”, Impatient with impatience Caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong, Blaming, defensiveness, Attack, counterattack, Refusal to apologize first, Holding the other hostage by refusing to forgive, Stubbornness or unwillingness to change, Selfishness, thinking only of your needs, and Unwillingness to learn from spouse. I was surprised at how much pride played are part in our relationship. Once I realized how destructive we were being to each other I saw the things that we need to change to be better to each other and help our relationship grow instead of self-destruct. Last night I felt like my husband was not listening to me and I got really angry really fast and in my head I thought I am not going to talk to him until he apologizes and then I remembered this lesson and thought about my part in our misunderstanding and instead of turning away from him I turned towards and apologized for getting angry so fast.